I'm going under the "dude bro" and getting to me...naked. Unfortunately for 1%, I'm not actually naked. Got your attention though right? This is just the beginning of many unread, most likely unpublished chapters of mine, and only mine. I want to make a difference in this world and if there is just one suburbian girl who thinks her exterior, everything from her seemingly flawless social life to her misery in disguise; that can relate, I did my job. I'm not giving up my opinions nor my AMAZING Dude Bro blog; just veering off track a bit.
I know I'm usually the "funny gal" in my blogs, minus a couple late night "why isn't he calling" crap. However, this blog is definitely not funny. Ratchet? Maybe. a lesson in life; absolutely. This is an apology, an explanation, and a lesson I've had to learn the hard way hopefully to help every ONE of you that have ever felt worthless, ashamed, scared... that you are none of the above. Whether you believe in God, Allah, Tom Cruise, a house plant. Whatever you believe is the only thing that is going to get YOU through. I can't speak for other religions and I hope this doesn't come across as just another girl that says she's Christian who is latching on to something because she has nothing. I am 100% not saying that. What I am going to tell you, is my personal walk with my higher being. God.
As the late, great Salt N' Peppa put it: "There's only one judge and that's God, so chill and let my father do his job." As idiotic as this sounded, yet extremely catchy, when I was a kid, it rings astonishingly true now. I thought at this point in my life, almost 30, I'd be living the life I was so blessed to have as a kid. I always joke that there is no reason for me to be messed up in the head because my childhood was perfect. Of course there were mild struggles but nothing compared to some. Bingo. Nailed it. The word "compare" echoed in the back of my brain like I was standing inside of the Grand Canyon. Why did I always compare myself, my life, and all that's in between to everyone else? I felt unworthy, sad, alone. I couldn't pin point exactly where in my life I've felt this need to be equivalent or better. I knew deep down I never would be so why put myself through a daily "proof" struggle? Those avoid uneasy subjects go ahead and have a laughter on "proof struggle" sounding oddly familiar to defecating...not so funny sans double O's now is it? In high school, looking back, is the best way I can describe the proof struggle. Almost every person I knew somewhat, but not great, in high school, is in lack of a better word, shocked I'm so nice. You see, I was so worried about proving I was smart, that I was a good friend, that I was worthy of love of any kind; I failed to stop and look. I was so distracted by proving to people who I was I forgot to actually BE me. This unfortunate character trait, thanks dad,has carried over in adulthood and has left me, at points friendless, loveless and homeless.
There is no excuse, only a reason and lesson. There's a premise to the promise. My dad tells me this on a daily basis but instead of letting those words sink in, I wondered why he was judging me and what I had ever done to make him think I wasn't a child of God. No one. Is. Judging. You. Period. And if they do, they don't care. I could only help myself. It took a LOT to get here, some incredible family and friends with unconditional love to help. The one thing however, the one being I SHOULD be worried about judging me...I wasn't. In the same breath, He was my strength, my cushion...my savior.
As I'm fighting through, not back, tears writing down everything I've wanted to trust and say for so long; I now know why. Tonight when I got home from taking my poor little boss home after work (he got into a severe motorcycle accident) I started to unpack what will be my 8th move in a years time. I was carrying something to my bedroom when I tripped and fell on my butt. I looked back to see what devil object was plotting my death when my eyes welled up with tears. ""Never, ever, ever..give up". In big bold letters with my stack of books cleared to today's daily devotional in "Jesus Calls" I failed to read this morning. I am going to type this out verbatim. "Relax in My presence. Do not bring performance pressures into out sacred space of communion. When you are with someone you trust completely, you feel free to be yourself. This is one of the joys of true friendship. Though I am Lord of Lords King of Kings I also desire your friend. When you are tense or pretentious in our relationship, I feel hurt. I know the worst about you, but I also see the best in you. I long for you to be fully yourself in Me. When you are real with me, I am able to bring out the best in you: the very gifts I have planted in your soul. Relax and enjoy our friendship."
Let me preface this by saying I didn't read all of that. The dots were connecting then and there and I did what my heart felt I needed to do...I knelt. I sobbed, and I prayed. Out loud,just talking to God, asking Him questions, asking forgiveness, praying for the people in my life, praying for the ones who have helped and the ones who have not. Praying that my mother and father could be proud of me again some day. He's right. Never, ever, ever give up. I spent about an hour being real, admitting my mistakes, flaws things I didn't even recognize as flaws...but He did. An hour went by and here I am. 1:07 am July 11, 2014 and I can honestly say...God an I are in a relationship...and it's serious. FB official serious. However I don't know if they have wifi in Heaven.
This is not about preaching or really God in general. It's about finding out what gets you through he times you have nothing left. It's my story. Either walk away, or sit down and shut up.
